So There We Were
by Nurse Joker
Summary: Joker POV. The shrinks at Arkham decide it would be therapeutic for the Joker to take up writing. This is the result.
1. So There We Were

So there we were, standing Oh So Dramatically on the steps of St. Swithun's Cathedral, the Batman and I.

And Batman, he's doing his usual Glare and Scowl routine at me.

And then he goes off about Justice and Clenched Fists and Furrowed Brows, though I'm really only guessing about the eyebrow thing.

And I'm doing my best to pay attention to him, I mean, communication is Vital to any stable Relationship, right?

But all I could think was, was, wouldn't it be Funny if right now, right this very Second, some Chinese soldier bumped the wrong switch and Whoops.

Nuclear War.

So I start Laughing, and Batsy's looking a little Put Out. Doesn't like being Ignored.

And never let it be said that The Joker is an unfeeling Man.

Never let it be said that I Don't Care.

I mean, I couldn't just leave the Poor Bat feeling so Lonely, could I?

How was I supposed to know that His Little Cop Friend Gordon would Laugh if I hugged him?

I was just trying to Help. He didn't need to Throw me into the Baptistery like That and mess up my Makeup like That and ruin my New Suit like That.

I try to do a Good Deed, and That is what I Get.


	2. The Other Day I Was Sitting in Arkham

The other day I was sitting in Arkham wondering why they decided to paint the walls that Charming shade of Piss Yellow when suddenly it Hit Me.

Unfortunately I didn't discover the Reason for the Hideous paint job.

No, no. No.

Though that Is something I am truly interested in knowing. I mean, they call me Crazy, but I would Never commit a Faux Pas of That magnitude.

You see, all this time I had been Waiting for Batman to come visit Me, and I never once even thought to contact Him!

How thoughtless. How Silly of Me.

He must think I don't Love him anymore. He's such a Delicate young Bat. His little friends don't appreciate his Sensitive nature like I do.

I drew him a card with a Smiling Little Clown on the front, and it said Thinking of You.

I left a Present inside.

Just a little Something I found lying Around.

A Trinket. To show my True affection.

So far he hasn't responded, but he Will. Probably right after his boring little DNA tests Fail to find a match to the Finger.

And when he comes, I'll be Waiting.


	3. You Might Not Believe This

You might not believe This, but those socks of mine, you know, those socks that you Took from me, those socks you keep in that Quaint Little storage Room, those Socks, the ones I was wearing when BatMan first laid eyes on me, the Ones I Wore especially for HIM, those socks, they cost a Lot of money.

A lot. At least 5 gallons of Gas worth.

And I would like them Returned to Me posthaste.

And When you are in the storage room, could you Also return my suspenders? They are Green with white Diamonds on them and they keep my pants from Falling Down.

Imagine the Shame, the Horror, the mental Anguish, should they fall down in a public place. Why, someone could be driven Mad with Lust for my boyish good looks!

I could be Raped! Ravished by some Rapacious Rapscallion!

And then how would you Feel? Hmm?

You'd feel Sad, right? Right? Right?

I thought so…

Oh, and while We're on the subject, can I have my potato Peeler back? There's a Trick that I want to show the guys down in the Wreck Room, but I can't show them until I have it back.

I look Forward to a quick and favorable response.


	4. Batman Still Hasn't Come To Visit

Batman still hasn't come to visit Me, and if I didn't know any better I'd think he didn't plan to.

Perhaps he still doesn't Realize our connection.

Perhaps he Still has his Head buried in the sand about the Way Things Are.

It used to Be, used To be, that you'd send a guy a severed Body part and he would pay attention to you.

Does he want the Rest of the hand sent to him too? Is one Measly finger not Enough for the batMan?

Oh Batsy, you're So high maintenance.

And I Know you read this so DON'T PRETEND YOU AREN'T reading THIS!

PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTEn

TIOn TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAYATTENTIONTOME! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE! PAY ATT

ENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

PAY ATTENTiON TO ME!

PaY ATTENTION TO Me! PAy AttENtION TO mE!pAY

aTTENTION tO mE!PAY ATTENTION TO

ME! PAY ATTENTION to ME!PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Please?


	5. French Bread Pizza Night

I'm going to Escape, tonight.

So you might wanna try to Stop me.

I can almost See the Cogs turning in your head right About now. Why is He telling us?

But Spilling the beans would take all the Fun out of It. We mustn't Ruin the surprise!

They are having French bread pizza Night in the cafeteria so Let's say mmm about 45 minutes after dinner?

That Way I have time to properly Digest my meal.

Now, as for the Why.

Why, am I, escaping, Today?

Well, I Would have escaped last Week, but, well, I thought I should give you Some notice first.

Give you A sporting Chance if you will.

Unfortunately you Rudely Thrust me into solitary, where Pencils are scarce and paper Largely absent. Thus No Note. Thus no Notice. Thus NO ESCAPE.

But now that I am able to Give Notice it's time to make my Exit from this dreary place.

* * *

_(This is the end of this particular fic since he's busting out, but the Joker has come to enjoy writing so stay tuned.)_


	6. Home Again Home Again Jiggedy Jig

Home again home Again jiggedy jig.

Did you miss Me?

I'm Sorry for being Away for so very long, but, well, you Know the way Things are. A guy gets all Caught Up in wooing that special someone and Forgets about his friends…

Forgets to write letters To poor mommy and Pop Pop. Forgets to stay in Touch with the little siblings. Dear Spooky must be heart Broken, I'll have to give Him some one on one time Later. He doesn't eat enough, So very Thin… I'll have to fatten Him up a bit.

I wonder how much A little guy like him Can eat before It does lasting Harm…

Well, there's Only one Way to find out, isn't there?

I'll get back To You with the results of my little Experiment…

Ta ta!


	7. Everyone Keeps Saying

Everyone keeps saying, saying Joker you need to brush your Teeth two times A Day.

And flossing is an important part of dental Hygiene.

And, look, I know I come across as Pretty confident. Not a Care in the world. But.

But that kind of Talk just hurts my Feelings.

I have given SO Much to this city and all you can talk about is the gum Disease known as GINGIVITIS.

So I thought, Why don't I give you all Something Else to think about?

See, I've got this bag Of teeth and and, this is One of those things that Keeps a guy up at night.

How Many teeth can I feed Scarebear before he vomits Up his insides?

Poor spooky is sooooo Thin that it shouldn't take Much.

Ha hi hu he ho

Oh the Look on His face right now. Priceless!

Wish Me luck gentle reader.


End file.
